First of all, I’m tired. I’m tired of being insecure. I’m tired of second guessing myself and everyone around me. I’m tired of overthinking and over analyzing every scenario and situation. I’m tired of pretending that everything is fine. I’m tired.
Now that I’ve established how tiresome my life is, let me go straight to the point. My boyfriend is really a great guy. He cares for me, he takes care of me financially and otherwise. He’s smart and handsome and generous and every girls’ dream.
Herein lies the dilemma. He seems too good to be true. I’m a naturally distrustful and cynical person. And before you think it, no. I’ve never been hurt by a guy or cheated on or lied to. I guess it’s just something I was born with. I always feel like I’m being lied to. I never take words at face value (always looking for underlying meaning) and I don’t expect much from anybody.
But when I met this man, I wanted to change. I wanted to believe in someone. To rely on another person. I WANTED to. But it’s harder than I thought it would be. Opening my self up. To be used and casted away. Being vulnerable. I’m shuddering just thinking about giving soneone that much power over me.
So when he said he loved me, I did what any sane girl would do. I said I loved him too but I didn’t trust him. Lol. And then I found out that I actually wanted him to love me. It’ll be nice. Being with someone because you can’t forget about them. Your every waking thoughts involve them. Their smile lightens up your day. Their mood affects yours.
So what is the problem you might ask? Well…when do I know for sure? O keep thinking about that Whitney Houston’s song, “How will I know”. Humans are so deceptive and manipulative. Infact, asides from Snakes and Foxes, I don’t know any other creature that’s capable of such deception. You never really know what’s going through another person’s mind and you can never tell if their hearts and intentions are pure.
Save for opening up his heart that is and looking inside. Lol. Of course I know there are some universal signs that most people swear will indicate if it’s true love or not. But I wish I had more than that.
Like a sign from Heavenly Father above. Lol. That would do.