” I remember when my mom left us. We didn’t know what was going on. Dad had to go to work and left us alone all the time. Sometimes we’d just sit by the window and worry whether he had left us too….”
– A boy from a divorced family.
THE divorce of one’s parents can seem like the end of the world, a catastrophe that generates enough misery to last forever. It often trigger an onslaught of feelings of shame, anger, anxiety, fear of abandonment, guilt, depression, and profound loss- even a desire for revenge.
If your parents have recently split up, you too might be experiencing such feelings. After all, God meant for you to be raised by both father and a mother. Yet, now you have been deprived of the daily presence of a parent you love. “I really looked up to my father and wanted to be with him,” Laments Adedayo, whose parents split up when he was Five. “But Dad got custody of us”. I tend to disagree with the saying ” You can have a better life even without your parents” no matter how or what happens to your parents you can never feel better each day of your life not being or having time with them!
Why Parents Break Up
Often parents have kept their problems well hidden “I don’t remember my parents fighting,” says someone whose parents divorced when he was a child. “I thought they got along” And even when parents do squabble, it may still come as a shock when they actually split up!
In many cases, the split-up occurs because one parent is guilty of sexual misconduct. God does permit the innocent mate to obtain divorce. In other cases, “wrath and screaming and abusive speech” have erupted into violence, causing one parent to fear for his or her physical well-being and that of the children.
Some divorces, admittedly are obtained on flimsy grounds. Rather than work out their problems, some selfishly divorce because they claim they are “unhappy” or “no longer in love”
Whatever the case, the fact that your parents may have chose to be silent or to give you only vague answers to your questions regarding the divorce does not mean they don’t love you. Wrapped up in their own hurt, your parents may simply find it hard to talk about the divorce. They may also find it awkward and embarrassing to admit to their mutual failures.
What You Can Do
Try to discern the right time to discuss calmly your concern with your parents. Let them know how saddened and confused you are over the divorce. Perhaps they will give you a satisfactory explanation. If not, do not despair. Finally, appreciate that the divorce, whatever the reason for it, is a dispute between them – not with you! In my study of 20 divorced families , My research made me understand that couples blamed each other, their employer, family members, and friends for divorce. But, “No one, interestingly enough, blamed the children.” Your parents’ feelings towards you are unchanged.
I Can Get Them Back Together
Some youths nurture dreams of reuniting their parents, perhaps clinging to such fantasies even after their parents have remarried!
However, denying the divorce changes nothing. And all the tears, pleading, and scheming in the world probably won’t get your parents back together again. So why torment yourself by dwelling on the unlikely? So accept both the reality and the performance of the divorce. This is a big step towards your getting over it.
Coming To Terms With Your Parents
You many rightly be angry with your parents for disrupting your life. As one young man briefly put it : ” My parents were selfish. They didn’t really think about us and how what they did would affect us. They just went ahead and make their plans ” This may be true. But can you go through life carrying a load of anger and bitterness and not harm yourself?
The Bible counsels : ” Let all malicious bitterness and anger and wrath… be taken away from you… But become kind to one another, tenderly compassionate, freely forgiving one another.” Try to view your parents objectively – as fallible, imperfect humans. Yes, even parents ‘ Sin and fall short of the glory of God.’ Realizing this can help you come to terms with your parents.
396020cookie-checkWhy did dad and mom split up